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Some days are just… hard.

Yesterday was a *day*.

I found this photo of me and my mom – quite by chance – and oh! how I love it. Look how gorgeous my mom is! Look how young I am! We were at my cousin’s wedding in Ireland, before I had kids, and we had such fun together… Such boundless, joyful time together.

Yesterday, though. The kids were antsy and whiny and hard work (they need to go back to school) in exactly the way I used to call her and complain about. She would always reassure me that I was doing a good job and they would be sweet again, and then check in later to see if anything had improved. (It had not.)

My dresser – which I had in my childhood bedroom and have had in my grown-up bedroom for years – had to have a drawer replaced. So I unpacked the drawer and found so many pieces of jewellery she’d given me, and her perfume, which I had packed away on the anniversary of her death… Her scent stayed with me the rest of the day.

And I felt sad. Just, sad. Sad enough to read messages from this time 3 years ago, when I still had a mom.

And although it is no longer surprising that she’s gone, there’s a part of me that is still shocked – anew! – that she’s gone forever…. Really? I have to do this on my own, for all of my days? I’ll never have a mom again?

It reminded me of CS Lewis’s poem – the same leg is cut off time after time…

Grief, hey. That’s all I’ve got. Just: grief, hey.

Published inGrief

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