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The art of letting go

Ohhhh but this being a mom thing is hard sometimes, isn’t it? With T-10 days left of maternity leave, I am currently in the process of letting go of Ella and doing nanny handover with our lovely nanny, Noli. While I know they will love each other (because Arty already loves Noli), this initial phase is so hard. Ella is used to being with me – many times attached to me – because I’ve had to run around after her big brother so much that she’s had a lot more holding than if she was an only child. She’s my little girlie, why wouldn’t I want to hold her?!

But now it’s time for me to emerge from the mom cocoon of the last four months and venture out into the big wide world again. I am exceptionally lucky that I’m only working half days, so I’ll be away from her between 8am and 1pm – same times as Arty is at school. But that doesn’t make it any easier when I hear her crying because she doesn’t want to take a bottle, and I know I could fix it in two minutes.

Other than the bottle feeding distress (which is absolutely my bad for forgetting to train her with the bottle more), she has taken to Noli beautifully and I think they’re going to be best friends.

But I keep thinking of that quote about how having a child means having your heart walking around outside your body… That’s what it feels like.

On the flip side, imagine not having to put a baby to sleep five times a day?! That sounds pretty marvelous. (While Ella is a really easy baby, she refuses to nap for longer than 40 minutes at a time, so I do a lot of putting her down for naps). Imagine having an adult conversation in the morning! Imagine not being spat up on! The freedom of regaining some sense of self outside momhood is absolutely worth it, I know, and makes me a better parent. But I struggled with this letting go with Arty and I am struggling with it again now. I imagine there’s an echo of this many times in my future, too – first time going to big school, going away for school camps, going to university, going overseas. But all that is very far in the future, thank heavens. For now, baby steps while my baby steps away from me for the first time.

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