My mom died five months ago yesterday. And I was hit by such an overwhelming wave of grief last night that I feel I am back at square one. What surprises me is not the timing of the wave – the 1st of every month has been hard, my dad isn’t feeling great, I was away this weekend so I had space and time for emotions to surface. What surprises me is the velocity and force of it.
I thought – after five months of practice – that I wouldn’t feel quite so drowned in sadness. Yet every time one of these waves of grief rises up out of nowhere, it floors me. I am destroyed. Crying so hard I get a headache, feeling like the sadness is being ripped out of my gut, absolutely no clarity or perspective on anything in my life.
I know that it’s normal and to be expected and part of the grieving process, but it feels awful. Like being at the bottom of a well with no handholds to help me out.
I suppose the only thing that is better this time around is that I know I will feel better. At some stage, this wave will wash over me and I will come out the other side – gasping for air, flattened, but otherwise okay. For now, all I can do is hang on till it passes. Grief is not for sissies.