My mom died five months ago yesterday. And I was hit by such an overwhelming wave of grief last night that I feel I am back at square one. Waves of grief are the worst. What surprises me is not the timing of the wave – the 1st of every month has been hard, my dad isn’t feeling great, I was away this weekend so I had space and time for emotions to surface. What surprises me is the velocity and force of it.
I thought – after five months of practice – that I wouldn’t feel quite so drowned in sadness. Yet every time one of these waves of grief rises up out of nowhere, it floors me. I am destroyed. Crying so hard I get a headache, feeling like the sadness is being ripped out of my gut, absolutely no clarity or perspective on anything in my life.
I know that it’s normal and to be expected and part of the grieving process, but it feels awful. Like being at the bottom of a well with no handholds to help me out.
I suppose the only thing that is better this time around is that I know I will feel better. At some stage, this wave will wash over me and I will come out the other side – gasping for air, flattened, but otherwise okay. For now, all I can do is hang on till it passes. Grief is not for sissies.
The Grief Handbook
The Grief Handbook is out on the 13th July 2021!
You can find out all about it, and where to buy it, on www.griefhandbook.com